One thing my life coach and I are working on is looking at Kate Rawlings and what makes her ‘tick’. This call was particularly difficult. Why? We took a HARD look at how I treat other people, not intentionally, but as a result of defaulting to my business mind.
By defaulting to my business mind I make things about ‘business’ and black and white. You’re in or you’re out. And if you’re out….. get out. The problem with that is when dealing with people, they’re not business.
Why do I do this? To protect myself from being hurt by others and if they hurt me I don’t want them to see it. So I shut down, act and think with emotions later. Great for business decisions terrible for people decisions.
I vowed to reach out to people I had hurt and people I felt that hurt me to present a VERY vulnerable, human apology for any wrong I had done. This is especially difficult for me because I had to get through pain, hurt, anger, ‘but you did xyz’ and get to the root of me and owning my wrongs.
I don’t expect anything from doing this other than connecting with my human side and learning I can be vulnerable and strong at the same time. I’ve always said people don’t change, but having gone through this week I would have to disagree. I am not the same Kate Rawlings I was a month ago because I’m taking the time to work on me and embracing new life lessons…. leading to change.
What does that mean? I started working with a life coach again last month because I felt like I was spiraling. Life can become overwhelming and sometimes you need someone that has no dog in the fight to help you make sense of all the clutter.
Tonight we made HUGE progress. One thing I pride myself on is being strong, confident and self-assured. I can be my own rock, but maybe I don’t want to always be my own rock.
My ‘rock’ is Kate the business owner. My ‘pile of mush’ is Kate the human. I am so assured and confident when I’m the business owner. I know what I’m doing and I’m damn good at it. Where I fall short is not letting Kate the human out more. I have a tendency to treat conflict and people that hurt me like business. But guess what THEY’RE NOT BUSINESS…. they’re people…. humans. I’ve realized that I treat people like business when they’ve hurt as a way of protecting myself.
My homework…… reach out to people in my past that I feel I’ve treated as a business, not because they’re a business, but because they hurt me and I didn’t want to show them how much damage they had done.
Letting others know they hurt you is difficult because it shows you were vulnerable. Letting them know you hurt them is difficult because it’s admitting you were wrong.
There is one thing I am sure of in life and that’s that life is change. Good, bad, indifferent it is going to change.
Some changes are more difficult than others, and difficult changes often feel like you’re moving backwards in life. It makes me question decisions I’ve made, how I’ve handled situations etc. One thing I know is that every situation has taught me something that has made me stronger.
That’s when this dinged into my phone from a friend and it couldn’t be more spot on…..
I have been struggling the last few months with self doubt in myself and what I’m doing. I finally reached a point where I knew I needed help so I sent an S.O.S to my life coach and said I needed help. Somethings I can’t fix on my own.
We had our first call last night and we did the scariest thing I’ve ever done….. we faced my demons or what we call ‘the little green monsters’. What are they? They’re all the negative thoughts we let hold us back. We shined the light right on them…. what do they tell me?
- you’re selfish
– you’re self centered
– you’re arrogant
– stop acting like you’re better than everyone else because you’re so positive
– no one can make every situation a positive one- you’re clearly full of shit
– you’ll never find anyone to love you because you’re too self driven
And guess what…… when you face your ‘little green monsters’ head on they lose all their power. They can no longer scare you because you’re not afraid of them anymore.
And just as powerful as facing your ‘little green monsters’ is we flipped the switch and said what does ‘Kate Rawlings’ feel about herself?
- I’m strong
– I’m confident
– I’m self assured
– I am living my purpose and making an impact on those around me
– I will find someone someday that loves and supports me and my drive
– I will not have to sacrifice part of ‘me’ to be a part of an ‘us’
– I need to be my own rock
And to make sure I held true to myself and what I believe I needed a reminder. A way to chase away the ‘little green monsters’ when I saw them in the darkness. So…. I did what I do best and I got a physical piece of jewelry to signify the emotional battle I’m having. And when I go there I can touch the ‘rock’ and remind myself this too will pass and I will be left stronger than I was.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that no one’s perfect, and no one has it all figured out. Sometimes we need to turn to other people to help us work through all the chaos in our heads. We have fears, doubts, anger, sadness, joy and pain to name a few.
Where do they all fit? How do they all fit? How do they shape us as a person?
One of the hardest things to do is look inward. It’s always easier to look at what someone has done to you, or how they made you do something. We all control our actions. We are responsible for the choices we make, good, bad, indifferent. We all have to look in the mirror at the end of the day and live with what we have done.
How do we know if it’s the right thing? We have to look inward to know that and that’s just what I’ll be doing. Starting next week I’ll have a weekly call with my life coach, Stephanie Vincent to look inside of me. The next 3 months I’ll be on a journey to gain perspective on my life. It won’t be easy, and I’m sure she’ll push me to some uncomfortable places but its just what I need right now.
I watched an amazing clip of a 16 year old Pakistani girl speaking out against the Taliban and was truly moved. Moved so much I felt like I need to follow her lead.
Her theory: How I treat them is my character, how they choose to treat me is their character. And if speaking out meant she was killed for it so be it, but she would not fight back, instead she would forgive.
Forgive those that have wronged you, dont agree with you or you’ve had a falling out with. Speak your side and move forward. Not for them, but for you.
It’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong. It’s not about pointing fingers and deciding who’s to blame. It’s not about he said she said.
It’s about healing and moving forward. While those I’ve reached out to may not accept my attempts at reconciling, and some have even come back and pointed out all the things I did wrong. I feel the lightest I’ve felt in years having reached out to several people from my past.
I have an amazing life and am very fortunate to have met EVERY SINGLE person that’s come in and out of my life. They’ve all taught me something and for that I am grateful.
…..but what’s enough?
It’s amazing to see the amount of people that come through my path that don’t feel ‘enough’, but what does that mean? What is enough?
This is an interesting concept and one that I know personally. A few years ago I thought I had to BE something. And when I ruptured my achilles my identity felt lost and gone forever. I was a CF Games competitor and with out what was I?
I was left with a business to run and huge whole in myself. I felt like I wasn’t enough, good enough, smart enough, silly enough, rich enough, you name it….. fill in the ‘XXXX’ enough and I had that thought.
I was lucky enough to connect with an amazing life coach that helped me realize that ‘enough’ is a man made thing. It doesn’t exist. I will never be enough if I’m trying to be enough because there is never enough.
Instead I had to realize that trying to be enough is like trying to unicorn – it doesn’t exist. We can only be the best versions of ourselves each day. Learn from our pasts, and improve on our future.
I’ll admit it……I’M NOT ENOUGH…. I’m just me
When I looked at today’s programming the little green monster (called self doubt) quickly crept into my vision. NO WAY can I do that.
What was it: EMOTM for 20min
ODD: 4 bar muscle ups
Even: 5 burpees – 15 double unders
Needless to say I’m not the most confident bar muscle-upper and I’m still sore from the workouts earlier in the week.
I began warming up and failure after failure the task seemed more and more impossible.
I finally landed one…. and then another. OK I was ready to stat, but I modified. Not feeling confident in my bar muscle ups I decided to do 2 on the minute.
Half way through the workout the ryhthm felt good and I was in a groove. I thought – screw it – i’m going for all 4. Well paint me happy, I did the last 5 min with all 4 bar muscle ups every minute.
I could have easily walked away in frustration and said I can’t do it it’s too hard. But I was NOT going to be defeated by a movement and in the paid off.
Over the last year I have had highs and lows. I think more lows than highs, and this week I think I’m finally back on a high.
After feeling like a sissy back squating to a 20″ box with an empty bar I did it. For months I’ve had to modify and work around my knee with the feeling it’s never going to get any better.
But I was lucky enough to have a great training partner and a solid coach that both said ‘keep working’ – so I did. I chipped every day pushing to do as much as I could, and 4 months into our new plan I’m feeling AMAZING!
I can finally see the hard work paying off. All the days of doing light weight, technique, 3×8 of mindless accessory movements and it’s paying off.
How do I know? This week I’ve;
Sumo Deadlifting 305lbs with 60lbs of tension
Bench Pressed 135lbs with 60lbs of tension
and OHS 155lbs 12 times (pre surgery one rep max was 165lbs)
I feel more motivated than ever to continue to train, eat right and of course rest when I need it. It’s only up from here!
A year since having knee surgery I’m starting to really trust my knee and safely move weight. Today’s programming kicked off with a 1 rep max back squat. I typically head into these days with the ‘I’ll let my knee guide me’ attitude and today was no different.
The last time we maxed our back squat I stopped at 165lbs because I could feel it pulling in my knee. Needless to say today the 165lbs felt great. I slowly crept past it just waiting for my knee to act up.
185….. 205….. 215…. 235….. it felt great.
The only thing keeping me from getting 245lbs was my chest leaning forward. I felt it go forward on the decent, and knew I had to give it one more go.
I picked it up, hit the hole and headed out of the bottom PAIN FREE!!!! and with a 20lbs PR! I’ll take it!
It just showed me that while I’ve slowly been chipping at trusting my knee I’ve also been getting stronger. I feel more encouraged than ever to keep chipping.