Ever since I had knee surgery a year and a half ago I have struggled with the pain in my knees. One knee has left me bone on bone while I have arthritis in both. My mind wants to keep pushing, but some days my body has the exact opposite plan.
Can I have a pity party and make excuses for why I can’t train……. yup….. I’ve done it!
No more…..I want to do all the things in my power to control the pain in my joints. one thing I can control is my weight. There is a ton of research showing that for every pound you can take off of body weight theres a percentage of pressure taken off the joints. Imagine how good my knees will feel if I can lose 10lbs.
In my life I have gone as extreme as running 7-10miles a day living on tuna and peanut butter in college. If I could just lose one more pound I would be prettier, more popular, more whatever it was I thought I was chasing. In 2009/2010 I ate a PERFECT zone for so long I was neurotic about every piece of every food I put in my mouth. To the point I yelled at my brother for eating a grape….. really a grape….. its just a grape.
Eating disorders don’t mean you’re throwing up after every meal. It can also mean you worry about every piece of every food you eat. Even if done in a healthy way.
On day 3 of the Whole 30 I am so worried about every food I put in my body. Does it have sugar? Is it processed? Feeling so restricted is bringing back all those feelings of when I restricted myself before. This time I am doing it for a healthy reason…. my knees…. but it doesn’t change how it’s making me feel.
I immediately want to abort the mission and say screw it….. its too uncomfortable…. I don’t want to deal with the feelings, I want to just bury them. Instead I am admitting my fears and facing them head on. It’s not easy and I feel like a total loser for letting food control my feelings so much, but admitting fear is only going to help me get stronger.
So instead of running away I will take it one meal at time and when I feel the skeletons coming back I will face them head on, invite them into the light and deal with the feelings. Wish me luck….. only 27.5 days to go….