So if you’re waiting for my usual humorous post, stop reading now. Today I’m going to share a piece of me that VERY few people have ever seen or heard about. Why? Because it’s down right hard to admit.
So many people have emailed me about how strong I am and how I’ve inspired them to work harder. Many of them as where I how I’ve become to be. I usually glaze over with a nice ‘I’ve always been goal oriented and hard working’ type story. The truth is….my strength comes from a place of weakness.
So in college I fell for the dreamy popular guy that any girl would want to date. He was tall, charismatic, athlete, super funny and nice, or so I thought. A few months into the relationship he started dropping little criticism, nothing major. Things like I’m not sure if I like those shoes with those jeans. I took it as honest criticism and actually appreciated that he was being so honest. Over time they became more critical and almost too honest.
Being a ‘dumb college kid’ I didn’t know anything about mental or emotional abuse. At the time I put it all on myself. He was right, I wasn’t good enough, fit enough, smart enough, funny enough, etc. No matter what I did it wasn’t enough, and he always had a way of persuading me into believing it was my fault. And for a year, I thought it was my fault. It was the night I had blood dripping from my nose I decided it wasn’t my fault.
I was ashamed and didn’t know who to tell or how to deal with it so I turned to alcohol. As sad as it is to admit, I can’t tell you what happened for 5-6 months of my life….literally. I’m not proud of it, but I spent months lost in booze. I knew where the happy hour was at every bar in town was and it was never too early to drink. I blacked out at least 5 nights a week. Lucky for me I had surrounded myself with so many amazing people that managed to keep me out of too much trouble, and help cover for me.
As my grades stated to tank…I mean on the verge of failing every class I was in my parents started to take notice. I remember one night in college I was so frantic and out of control my parents drove 2 hours to bring me home…..at 3am! I still never told anyone what was the real driving force behind my issues. And honestly I don’t remember the story I cover story I told, but I did talk to a doctor and got on anti depressants. I started feeling better about myself again and I got my life back on track.
I vowed that I would never let anyone treat me that way again and I slammed my schedule with 1,000 activities so that I was too busy to date and get close to people. It was my way of keeping myself safe, and if I was busy doing 1,000 things I had to live my life via a schedule that I CONTROLLED! Ever since that year I’ve needed a sense of control and portrayed a strong confident woman with the ‘fake it til I make it’ mentality, and slowly over time I did become strong and confident, and every year I get a little stronger and a little more confident.
So now you know, my strength actually comes from a place of weakness.
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”