One of the hardest things I have had to learn to do is say the hard things out loud. The things you know may hurt someone you love or complicate everything. For those that don’t know I married a man with a 2 1/2 year old now 3 1/2 year old a year ago. Blending families is a difficult thing when things are good between biological parents. And to say ‘things are good’ between my daughters parents would be a gross over statement. Layer in my husband and I losing our daughter at 22 weeks a year ago and stir it up and it gets real emotional and messy FAST!
We are approaching the one year of losing our daughter and it is bringing all sorts of emotions to the surface I hadn’t planned on surfacing like……
- when do we get to raise our own children?
- why are we struggling to get pregnant again?
- will i have to forever just raise someone elses kid?
- how do I control looking at his daughter and just wanting to cry because we should have our own daughter?
- how do I mange my pain without it taking down every part of my life?
- how can i shield my husband and her from my pain with out making them feel rejected?
- how do I take care of ME without abandoning my family?
It was a talk my husband and I has yesterday and its just so messy. I had a fear of saying any of those things out load because what does that say about me that Im struggling to have this child around me right now? Not because I don’t love her or him, but because where I’m at thinking about Hope its just painful to see a daughter and know we should have our own and don’t.
What must that make my husband feel to hear?
The beautiful part is that he is so understanding and patient and willing to go to counseling WITH me so that we can be better for ourselves and our marriage. Neither of us have had to deal with the death of a child before so we don’t poses the skills to get through this on our own.
Marriage can sometimes get super messy and I have a lot of guilt and shame that I carry from losing Hope and now for the way it’s effecting me a year later. But if there’s one thing I have learned it’s saying it out loud forces me to deal with it. If I say it out load and you know then I cant hide it like a dirty little secret.
My marriage is messy right now…….but it wont always be this way because we’re too committed to cleaning it up.