Tag Archives: grief

21Nov/16

It’s hard to move forward……

This past weekend was my first powerlifting meet since losing my daughter Hope in June.  The entire week leading up to it I was a mess, mentally, emotionally and physically.  I wanted to abandon the idea of doing the meet because it was just too much…….

  • ‘I shouldn’t be doing this meet, I should have a 3 week old’
  • ‘I’m not as strong as I should be’
  • ‘I’m not in the weight class I should be in’

And when it all came down to it, it was a long list of bullshit excuses that I was trying to use to hide from reality.  The reality that life has HAD to move on.  The reality that a shitty fucking thing happened to me. The reality that no matter what I did the world was moving on.f5249aaf8827b92114a3dc9e7659eb6d

So I called my mom and explained that I needed her support incase I lost my balance and crumbled into a 1,000 pieces.  She of course agreed to come and support me.

I was good until my third lift……. it would be a PR lift…… and I felt so overwhelmed with guilt……guilt?  really?  But i squatted the 250lbs bar, PR, and immediately began crying.  I was so excited and yet couldnt shake a sense of guilt for being so happy, for having moved on, for having joy.

I know it sounds weird, but if you’ve lost a child you get it.  After that i was able to relax and ENJOY the rest of the day.  It was freeing to make myself face reality.  It’s not easy to do, and I’m still sad just about everyday, but I am not letting that define me or determine who I’ll be.

It’s so hard to move forward, but I will keep making myself do it.

17Nov/16

Coming back to life

It has been 5 months since we lost our daughter and I am JUST starting to feel like I am coming back to life.  I’m starting to feel like I can make it through a full day without crying (most days), I can train without guilt, and I am truly happy running my business.10061-your-love-makes-me-feel-so-alive

The energy in my life a result is really rocking and rolling.  My husband and I can finally have conversations that dont just involve me crying ending in screaming.  I truly enjoy having my daughter around and it’s not a chore to care for her.  I am much more involved in my gym community and it feels good to reconnect.

Losing a child is the WORST thing a parent can go through, and I am far from healed and ok, but I am ok with breaking down because I know I have so much good in my life.  It feels good to start feeling alive again.