Tag Archives: miscarriage

21Nov/16

It’s hard to move forward……

This past weekend was my first powerlifting meet since losing my daughter Hope in June.  The entire week leading up to it I was a mess, mentally, emotionally and physically.  I wanted to abandon the idea of doing the meet because it was just too much…….

  • ‘I shouldn’t be doing this meet, I should have a 3 week old’
  • ‘I’m not as strong as I should be’
  • ‘I’m not in the weight class I should be in’

And when it all came down to it, it was a long list of bullshit excuses that I was trying to use to hide from reality.  The reality that life has HAD to move on.  The reality that a shitty fucking thing happened to me. The reality that no matter what I did the world was moving on.f5249aaf8827b92114a3dc9e7659eb6d

So I called my mom and explained that I needed her support incase I lost my balance and crumbled into a 1,000 pieces.  She of course agreed to come and support me.

I was good until my third lift……. it would be a PR lift…… and I felt so overwhelmed with guilt……guilt?  really?  But i squatted the 250lbs bar, PR, and immediately began crying.  I was so excited and yet couldnt shake a sense of guilt for being so happy, for having moved on, for having joy.

I know it sounds weird, but if you’ve lost a child you get it.  After that i was able to relax and ENJOY the rest of the day.  It was freeing to make myself face reality.  It’s not easy to do, and I’m still sad just about everyday, but I am not letting that define me or determine who I’ll be.

It’s so hard to move forward, but I will keep making myself do it.

06Oct/16

Learning to love my body again

Many of you are aware of the hell my husband and I have had to face the last several months now having lost two children, one at 22 weeks and one at 7 weeks.  Anyone that’s had to go through a pregnancy knows the effects that it has on your body and your hormones.

Pre-preganncy I sat at 148lbs……. I currently sit at 165lbs……and with no baby to show for it.  I have sacrificed my training, by diet and my body to create life.  A sacrifice I was more than thrilled to make. And one that is difficult to swallow now as I look in the mirror.

I see the after math of the hell my body has gone through the last 9 months.  The muscle lost.  The fat gained.  The training ability almost non-existent.  I have such negative emotions wrapped in what I see in the mirror because it’s a daily reminder of what we’ve lost.  A daily reminder of what could have been.  A daily reminder of what will never be.

I force myself to look at myself everyday, and force myself to say nice things about the body that I have.  I force myself to try to accept there I am at as it wont be where I will end up.  I am learning to walk in the shoes of my clients a little more each day as I struggle to love my body again after my body failed me.

So here it is…… here is my body……. the body I am learning to love again….img_4141

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08Sep/16

Managing Miscarriages – a skill I NEVER wanted

This of course is not the way I anticipated sharing the news of our most recent pregnancy…….but after a long night of lots of stress and little sleep, we confirmed that we lost our most recent pregnancy just shy of 8 weeks.

Miscarriage at any week is a difficult blow…….. this one hits my husband and I extra hard after having just lost our first child at 21 weeks in early June.  We had planned on waiting until after our wedding on August, 21st to try, but managed to be one of the few that got pregnant on birth control.

We accepted it as the universe’s gift to us after taking Hope so early.  We were a little terrified everyday, but a little more hopeful everyday we were having a smooth pregnancy.  img_4114

Wednesday morning I had some slight spotting that increased through out the day into heavy bleeding and the passing of a few clots.  Confirmed this morning…… we lost the baby.  The pure devastation one feels as a mother is indescribable….. losing not one, but two pregnancies, and back to back.

Tears have been flowing for hours now and the decision to put all things babies on hold seems like the only choice.  The emotions involved with the high of the excitement around finding you’ve conceived met with the extreme low of losing a pregnancy take a toll on you mentally and emotionally.

Why share this?  Because this is real life.  Really shity things happening to really good people. Because miscarriage isn’t something to be ashamed of, or swept under the rug of shame. Because if I can help just one person open up about their loss then it’s worth it.  Because I have a support system that will keep me from falling into the dark.

30Jun/16

Bringing Home Baby Hope

When you think about bringing home your baby for the first time you think of all the joy, fear and excitement that come along with a tiny infant strapped into car seat that seams to engulf them.

In our case it was a VERY different experience.  We had to walk into a funeral home……. in a room on the side there was a tiny velvet bag wrapped around a container with our daughters ashes in it.  Candles burning and small wooden cross.  The director left my fiancé and our living daughter for a few moments with Hope.

It had been along time since I had cried that many heart felt tears, and for a good 5min there was no way to stop them.  The reality of our daughter being gone from this earth and the final step in the process had set in.

Two signatures later and we walked out carrying our daughter in a box.  As sad as it was, and as opposite from what we wanted it was, it was an important step for us.  Our family was finally whole, not in the way we had envisioned, but for the first time our family was complete and everyone was home.

My fiancé and I are not church goers by any means, but in extreme times we need to find things to give us peace, and in this case the tiny wooden cross was a great keep sake of the care and love our daughter had received while in her final moments before cremation. As a symbol of her, and the love and care we gave her, it seemed only appropriate to have her in our kitchen so that throughout the day everyday we can keep her alive and talk to her.

So while bringing baby Hope was a much different vision for us, at least she’s home with her parents and our family is together.

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14Jun/16

Learning to Laugh Again

One of the hardest things through all of this horror is moving forward.  There is so much pain and sadness it feels like there will never be a day of joy again.  You live for little moments of hope and happiness and they seem few and far between and fleeting.

And to compound it…… when you do find moments of joy and happiness they are accompanied with a feeling of guilt.  Guilt in a way of ‘how could you possibly be happy when your daughter just died?’time-quotes-life-is-mixture-of-sunshine-and-rain-teardrops-and-laughter-please-and-pain-just-remember-there-was-never-a-cloud-that-the-sun-wouldnt-shine-through

That is why the short over night Matt and I spent in Chicago was so critically important for me.  It was a chance to leave the house that’s so full of such heavy emotion.  Leave the house that’s full of all the baby things that won’t be used (at least not for now).  Leave the stress of mounting laundry, dishes and bills.

To get away from reality and just learn to laugh again.  To do stupid things like sip a cocktail with our fiancé at a corner bar and chat up the bartenders.  They don’t know what happened nor did they care.  The didn’t ask how we were doing or have an concern.  We got to pretend for a day that we were just Matt and Kate on a mini vacation.

Out of that I learned that I can laugh again…… I can smile……I can make it through this because as much as I would love to avoid this and put in a box and pretend it never happened…..that’s not a choice.  My only way through this…is to go right through the eye of the storm.  And while I still cry more than I laugh I am learning to do it again.

 

09Jun/16

Finding HOPE in despair

One of the hardest things I’ve ever faced is the loss of our daughter to a pre-term labor this past weekend. Through out the 3 days in the hospital Matt and I went to so many dark places…… and coming home to our quiet, still, dark house made it seem much darker.  When you’re in that place it seems next to impossible to ever make it back to the light.

Thankfully Matt and I have such an amazing support system around us that they made it impossible for us to stay there.  The greatest gift we have had is connecting with other parents that have dealt with similar situations.

A dear friend of mine shared her experience with loss and all the things they learned and gained from their tragedy…… through that we discovered our daughters purpose on this earth…… to give us HOPE……

  • HOPE in Matt and I being bonded for lifeshutterstock_137307233Hope-300x300
  • HOPE in our family
  • HOPE in our future
  • HOPE in our children to come
  • HOPE in being able to help others through this in the future

It seemed only appropriate that we named our daughter Hope Spinner as there is no greater word to describe what she gave us.  I am so impressed with Hope’s strength and ability to bring her parents so close in such a short period of time.  I’m so impressed with Hope’s sacrifice to assure her siblings parents will never part. She is truly the strongest little girl this world has ever seen and from this extreme despair we are walking away with HOPE.