Tag Archives: preterm labor

17Nov/16

Coming back to life

It has been 5 months since we lost our daughter and I am JUST starting to feel like I am coming back to life.  I’m starting to feel like I can make it through a full day without crying (most days), I can train without guilt, and I am truly happy running my business.10061-your-love-makes-me-feel-so-alive

The energy in my life a result is really rocking and rolling.  My husband and I can finally have conversations that dont just involve me crying ending in screaming.  I truly enjoy having my daughter around and it’s not a chore to care for her.  I am much more involved in my gym community and it feels good to reconnect.

Losing a child is the WORST thing a parent can go through, and I am far from healed and ok, but I am ok with breaking down because I know I have so much good in my life.  It feels good to start feeling alive again.

08Sep/16

Managing Miscarriages – a skill I NEVER wanted

This of course is not the way I anticipated sharing the news of our most recent pregnancy…….but after a long night of lots of stress and little sleep, we confirmed that we lost our most recent pregnancy just shy of 8 weeks.

Miscarriage at any week is a difficult blow…….. this one hits my husband and I extra hard after having just lost our first child at 21 weeks in early June.  We had planned on waiting until after our wedding on August, 21st to try, but managed to be one of the few that got pregnant on birth control.

We accepted it as the universe’s gift to us after taking Hope so early.  We were a little terrified everyday, but a little more hopeful everyday we were having a smooth pregnancy.  img_4114

Wednesday morning I had some slight spotting that increased through out the day into heavy bleeding and the passing of a few clots.  Confirmed this morning…… we lost the baby.  The pure devastation one feels as a mother is indescribable….. losing not one, but two pregnancies, and back to back.

Tears have been flowing for hours now and the decision to put all things babies on hold seems like the only choice.  The emotions involved with the high of the excitement around finding you’ve conceived met with the extreme low of losing a pregnancy take a toll on you mentally and emotionally.

Why share this?  Because this is real life.  Really shity things happening to really good people. Because miscarriage isn’t something to be ashamed of, or swept under the rug of shame. Because if I can help just one person open up about their loss then it’s worth it.  Because I have a support system that will keep me from falling into the dark.

14Jun/16

Learning to Laugh Again

One of the hardest things through all of this horror is moving forward.  There is so much pain and sadness it feels like there will never be a day of joy again.  You live for little moments of hope and happiness and they seem few and far between and fleeting.

And to compound it…… when you do find moments of joy and happiness they are accompanied with a feeling of guilt.  Guilt in a way of ‘how could you possibly be happy when your daughter just died?’time-quotes-life-is-mixture-of-sunshine-and-rain-teardrops-and-laughter-please-and-pain-just-remember-there-was-never-a-cloud-that-the-sun-wouldnt-shine-through

That is why the short over night Matt and I spent in Chicago was so critically important for me.  It was a chance to leave the house that’s so full of such heavy emotion.  Leave the house that’s full of all the baby things that won’t be used (at least not for now).  Leave the stress of mounting laundry, dishes and bills.

To get away from reality and just learn to laugh again.  To do stupid things like sip a cocktail with our fiancé at a corner bar and chat up the bartenders.  They don’t know what happened nor did they care.  The didn’t ask how we were doing or have an concern.  We got to pretend for a day that we were just Matt and Kate on a mini vacation.

Out of that I learned that I can laugh again…… I can smile……I can make it through this because as much as I would love to avoid this and put in a box and pretend it never happened…..that’s not a choice.  My only way through this…is to go right through the eye of the storm.  And while I still cry more than I laugh I am learning to do it again.